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Sonny

My grandfather passed away while I was sitting next to him.

It's taken me over a month to type more than that sentence.
I've needed time. Not necessarily to grieve, tho I'm sure that has worked it's way in too. Just time. Time to wrap my head around the reality of the situation.

My grandfather hasn't been himself in a great long while. Over 6 years to be exact. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2005, right after he turned 70. His decline was quick all things being relative. It didn't take long for him to stop recognizing me as his granddaughter. He would come up to me and say things like "That M, she is such a good sister! She is so good with her sisters and brother." At the time, I didn't realize I should correct him. So, when I should have said "Grandpa, I am M" I said "Yeah she is!" It felt good to know that he still remembered me, even though he no longer recognized me.
I miss the man he was. The man that video taped or photographed everything from flowers to family events. The man that you had to hide your half finished plate of food from, lest he confuse it for finished and pitch it in the trash. The man that took me down into his wood shop and helped me build a wooden jewelry box. The man that would take us out onto his boat and go as fast as we wanted on the lake without a single protest. The man that would always let us pick the radio station in the car, and would sing along and turn his hat backwards.
I miss his laugh, his hugs, his smile, and his whistling.
almost 3 months ago, he fell while trying to get out of bed on his own and broke his arm. He was placed in the full care facility at the nursing home. After a few weeks in recovery, he was moved out of recovery and into a permanent room. He continued to get better, but it was evident that he needed more supervision than my grandmother could provide alone.
Grandma went to visit him every day, coming home only to eat and sleep. On Saturday, she had stepped out to run a few errands. Grandpa kept trying to get out of his bed. The nurses tried to talk him out of it, but he persisted. They ended up putting him into a wheelchair and setting him at the nurses station.
I don't know if no one was watching him. I wasn't there. I do know that he fell forward out of his chair and fractured his skull. He was taken to the hospital and received a CT scan. The doc said that the damage was bad enough that it wasn't necessary for them to perform further tests. Grandma decided to move him to Hospice.
Z and I were out visiting. We went first to see my mom at her job, then to visit Gma and Gpa at Hospice. I went in and fed my little girl, then passed her to my Gma. She was holding Z and I was stroking Gpa's hand. At that point, he was just breathing heavily. Not moving around like in the ICU. He was very at peace when he took his last breath. So much so that it took us several seconds to realize that he was no longer breathing.
I know that when the time comes, I will see my grandfather again.
I still so selfishly miss him.

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